dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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