Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
