We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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