you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
