Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
