you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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