I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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