someone threw a dead crab at me
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
