Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
