Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
