Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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