Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
