you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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