got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
