By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
