he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
