got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
