Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
