why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
