I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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