Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
