ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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