I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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