You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
