can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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