So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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