I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
