Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You are the jesus of drinking
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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