smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
