I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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