no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
