Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
