I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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