4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Randomize
