First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
