There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
