is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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