Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
