I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
