so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
