I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
