I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
