I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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