the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
