I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
