Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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