Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
