really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
