I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
