apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
