nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
