My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
